peace

Two days ago I sat down with my Bible and read and read and read. It had been several weeks since I meditated on Scripture or absorbed anything spiritual. I realized that my life had been filled with television, books, and movies. I had left little space for God to speak. My head and heart felt unsatisfied and filled with junk. I remembered purity and clarity and wanted to experience that again. So I turned to Scripture.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7)

As I read those words I felt the breath of God wash over me. Suddenly the past year seemed dark in nature as I realized the evil I had succumbed to in my thoughts. I had traded the peace of God for something momentary and fleeting. I was anxious about money. I clung to what we had and parceled out each penny with excruciating care. I lost the generous spirit that formerly belonged to Doug and I as I bemoaned what I couldn't buy. Rather than telling Him my requests (even the desire for a hair cut) I went back and forth about whether or not we really needed certain things and held everything tightly. See, it doesn't matter so much that God doesn't necessarily care about whether or not I get a haircut when children are dying by the millions, but if it gets between me and Him better I make my request known so He can fix my heart, rather than clinging to my "right" and acting like a martyr. He can't heal what I don't give Him.

And so His peace, which surpasses understanding, evaded me. And my heart and my mind were left wide open for the desires of the momentary, vain things. I repent. I repent. I repent.

I rejoice. I rejoice. I rejoice.