my evil heart

Scenario 1:
Doug and I are working on our budget. I worked hard to figure out exactly how much money we have left over after all the initial expenses (mortgage, utilities, internet, groceries, etc.). What's left over goes towards less necessary expenses and I just put it all together in one lump sum. Doug didn't appreciate my effort the way I wanted him to. He doesn't want it to be one lump sum that we just spend willy-nilly because that money still has to pay for things like diapers and allergy medicine. During the course of this conversation I used two "colorful" words in anger.

Now, I always attributed my occasional slip to a lack of self-control. A few hours after this conversation while cleaning up the kitchen God grabbed hold of me and the gist of it was, "You use those words because you know Doug doesn't like it." I purposefully say things to push his buttons when I'm frustrated with him because he isn't behaving how I think he should behave. Oops. That's so much worse than an accidental slip.

Scenario 2:
I woke up in time this morning to go work out. That means, I woke Kyler up, then fed, changed and clothed her, and repeated the process with Matthew. I packed our bags, grabbed water for the two that needed it and a snack for Matthew. Tidied the kitchen so I wouldn't come home to a mess, got the kids into the car and drove to Zilker Park where I work out with some other moms. I got out of the car opened up the trunk and...found a drill, cirular saw and a jigsaw. NOT what I'm expecting. Doug had borrowed my car and replaced my beautiful BOB stroller with items he needed for work. He hadn't mentioned it to me, and I hadn't asked.

So, I decide not to be mad or yell at Doug because it really was an accident. But I call him anyway. My justification is "Well, he needs to know this happened so it doesn't happen again, and next time he'll remember to tell me he's taken the stroller out because I always assume it's just in the back of my car." But again, a little later, God checked my heart and said "You want Doug to feel guilty." I wanted him to appreciate how much it cost me to get out of the house the way I did and then to have to turn around and give it all up because of him. Oops.

Five years into marriage and I'm still selfish. So my heart is evil. And somehow that's comforting. Because if this marriage is going to last I need to remember that it is by the grace of God, putting myself in Him and allowing Him to love Doug through me. The above is what I do on my own.