country music and me

The past couple of weeks I've been browsing country radio stations in Austin. I don't have them saved in my car settings. The only country music on my iPod are the Dixie Chicks and a few other songs that I like. But the heat of summer is taking my back to my childhood, where country music low-lighted the backdrop.

I first became aware of this genre of music through my dad. He and my mom split up when I was in the third grade. For awhile he continued to live in Texas, but when work took him to Florida I was devastated. Country music became a way for me to connect with him despite the distance. Divorce sucks. It destroys families and messes up the kids. But I was on the more fortunate side. My dad didn't just disappear. He continued, as best as he was able, to be a part of our lives. He sent me tapes of his favorite songs and artists. And I listened to them, trying to enter his world. During this time I found the song Daddy's Hand, by Holly Dunn. For those of you unfamiliar, this is the quintessential father/daughter song. This became our song and we danced to it at my wedding.

When I hear country music I remember the summers my sisters and I spent in Florida with our dad. Swimming, horse back riding and, of course, country western dancing flow together in one long stream. It was at one of these dances that I first slow danced with a boy. It was the summer between fifth and sixth grade. The slow dance was arranged the typical way dances are arranged at this age: he sent a friend to ask me, I sent my sister back to him with my reply. We met shyly on the dance floor with I Swear playing in the background. We never talked the rest of the night.

That was the last summer for a long time I was able to enjoy country music. I entered the rebellious teenage years and the effects of the divorce began to "bear fruit" in my life. I was hurt, and unfortunately unaware that hurt most often turns to anger when it's not dealt with. I lashed out at my family, and sought fulfillment in relationships with the opposite sex. Luckily God protected me from myself by making the boys available reasonably well-behaved young men for teenage boys. There were definitely some bad judgment calls and things that needed to be repented of later, but I only had two boyfriends and I married the second one. He more than anything kept me from becoming way more messed up than I would otherwise have been (thanks to the sovereignty of God in both our lives). What does this have to do with country music? I whole-heartedly and completely rejected anything country during my teenage years. It summed up my relationship with my dad so completely in my mind and I was so angry with him that I wanted to cut all ties.

But now I'm in this third season of life--adulthood. And I find myself coming back to country music; remembering the good things in my childhood and looking forward to the years to come. So maybe this post isn't so much about my relationship with country music as it is about the relationship with my dad. He came down to visit us the past two summers and those memories are closer to what I remember as I child and less like the summers during my turbulent teenage years. I've been hurt. But instead of being angry, I'm learning to forgive. I'm also seeing how much he loves my kids and I'm reminded of how much he loves me. And I'm getting a glimpse of how he was with me when I was a toddler.

So this summer, along with tank tops, BBQ and sweet iced tea, I'm enjoying some good old country music.