40 days

I love this techie world. Amy lives in Uganda and I got to talk to her today. 100 years ago that would not have been possible. Waiting in long lines isn't such a chore, even without an iphone. I just text someone and complain about the people in front of me, the person behind the desk or impart random updates about my life. Traveling with a cell phone kept me from getting lost numerous times, finding my sister in Old Navy and being able to let people know when I'm five minutes out. Twitter and facebook enable me to "stalk" my friends and see what's going on in their lives. Recently I was able to pray and mourn with a friend who lost her fiance via these social mediums. I was able to rejoice with another as she brought home her kids from Haiti.

But then there's this whole other side. The dark side. Via blogs, status updates and online entertainment I lose much of my time. Even as I write this Matthew is sitting on the chair behind me pulling on me, rocking me back and forth and talking to me. I stay logged into twitter and facebook all day so as not to miss any trivial detail that someone might say. As I look at people's blogs and read their updates sometimes I'm jealous. See, I live my life like it's a race. I want to get their first. I want the recognition and the glory. I want people to know me. When I first started blogging I used to see who referenced me on their blog. It was a big deal when people found me! I'm mostly over that now. But there is still this longing to be noticed, a desire to be recognized. So when people get things that I want it sends part of me--the old man Paul references in Romans--into a spiral of jealousy. The beauty is that I am a new creation, so I don't react as strongly as I would apart from Christ. But I'm tired of living in a world of comparison, of striving for title and attention. And so I'm tackling this head on.

For forty days I'm taking a break from facebook, twitter, and blogging*. It's extreme and I might fail. But I know that if I can follow my Jesus into this He will be faithful to redeem these social mediums, and I can use them as He intends and for His glory. I expect to come out of this able to rejoice with those who are rejoicing without selfish ambition or petty jealousy. I have seen firsthand how twitter can help orphans in Haiti and minister to the St. John's neighborhood. Because of facebook I got to see Amos Ivey welcomed to Austin, Texas and I went to a funeral and wept with Jenn. On the flipside, via twitter I experienced jealousy that people got to take a mutual friend out for lunch, a friend I haven't seen in months. I am jealous that people have already done the adoption thing and now I'm just a copycat. See how petty this is? God is rescuing orphans and I'm focused on the fact that I'm going to get less attention. So, for now beautiful degenerate techie world, I will see you on the other side.

*If there is something you need me to see or know about, please email me. I can't cut out all tech stuff because that's the world we live in. And I apologize in advance to my beautiful friends who will be making announcements over the next month via these mediums--I'll just have to celebrate with you in person!

perspective

Yesterday was a bad day. The kids were all messed up. I couldn't figure out napping, when they were hungry or find things to entertain them (except TV) for any length of time. I felt slightly depressed, frustrated and a little mad. And I couldn't seem to break me or them out of our funky momentum, that increasingly got worse as the hours passed. Usually when we have a bad morning some, if not all of us, recover during nap time. It's kinda of our restoration time and very important to me and to them to reset moods so we can finish out the day well. But that didn't seem to cure any ills yesterday. Everyone seemed no different--and slightly worse--after nap time.

At about 5pm I turned on a movie for Matthew, put an unhappy Kyler in her crib and went and laid face down on my bed. I figured if I didn't somehow reset I would come apart at the seams. So I stole a few minutes to pray, and basically told God if He wanted me to love my kids well, He better intervene because I was blowing it up. I got up, not feeling much better, but resolved to finish this day without any further deterioration. I used the few extra minutes of Matthew's Veggie Tales to check facebook--intending to possibly vent my bad day to the world--and was floored.

The first status update I read was about a friend concerned for Haiti and her son who is still over there. Millions of people are suffering and dying and trapped. Children are orphaned. People needing medical attention have no access to it. The destruction will impoverish this already impoverished nation for years to come. This will be no quick recovery, and in a few weeks, most of the world will have forgotten this and moved on, while the people there seek to rebuild their lives with little assistance from a few who remain faithful.

I know my Jesus loves me. But His heart broke yesterday for the people who are suffering and dying. Where was mine? I claim to be a part of Him. But I couldn't break outside of my bubble long enough to weep for what makes Him weep. He was with a hurting and dying people. Once again, my shallow heart didn't plummet to the depths with Him. I remained aloof, caught up in my own cares, concerns and petty vanity.

Today I weep. Today I pray and cry out to God for Haiti, for Amos Ivey, and for a little boy in Uganda. Kyler's running a fever. Matthew is throwing crayons. Today is like yesterday. Except God grabbed hold of my heart and invited me to share with Him in the suffering of His people.

carrying pain*

by Amy

Would it be better to be blind?
To close my eyes to the injustice around me
To allow my heart not to feel and my eyes not to cry
Could I pretend the pain isn't real?
that although they are poor they aren't hurting or dying
Could I separate myself from them?
To be here in body but not allow their wounds to touch my heart
To serve and give and hold but not see.
Maybe it's better to be blind

Ah but to miss the joys of seeing would never be worth it.
The pleasure of watching Kizza's face light up as I tickle his bloated belly and to know that although his pain is deep, he feels loved for at least a couple hours a week
To see the comfort on Karim's face as he nestles his head into my neck and holds on tightly knowing he is safe even if only for those few moments I can hold him in our arms
To dance with them and hear them shouting "God loves me" at the top of their voices as we pray those truths seep deep into their hearts

I will cry.
I will hurt for their pain.
I will scream at the injustice that surrounds me.
But I will laugh with them as a simple toy delights their world.
I will celebrate when a baby once starving is now growing muscle and fat all over his body.
I will experience the joy of God exploding through this nation!

The pain is real and shocking almost everyday. I am falling in love and love hurts. It's hard to not let it all feel too big. But I believe we are loving a nation back to life as we choose to see and touch and love the child in front of us,

I urge you to do the same. See the one in front of you, the one whose path you cross everyday but remain blind to. Choose to for a moment feel what they feel. And see the one hidden behind miles of distance and a culture that is nothing like yours. Choose to see them and let your heart break a little and then do what you can to change that to a smile for them.

*from amy's blog

peace

Two days ago I sat down with my Bible and read and read and read. It had been several weeks since I meditated on Scripture or absorbed anything spiritual. I realized that my life had been filled with television, books, and movies. I had left little space for God to speak. My head and heart felt unsatisfied and filled with junk. I remembered purity and clarity and wanted to experience that again. So I turned to Scripture.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7)

As I read those words I felt the breath of God wash over me. Suddenly the past year seemed dark in nature as I realized the evil I had succumbed to in my thoughts. I had traded the peace of God for something momentary and fleeting. I was anxious about money. I clung to what we had and parceled out each penny with excruciating care. I lost the generous spirit that formerly belonged to Doug and I as I bemoaned what I couldn't buy. Rather than telling Him my requests (even the desire for a hair cut) I went back and forth about whether or not we really needed certain things and held everything tightly. See, it doesn't matter so much that God doesn't necessarily care about whether or not I get a haircut when children are dying by the millions, but if it gets between me and Him better I make my request known so He can fix my heart, rather than clinging to my "right" and acting like a martyr. He can't heal what I don't give Him.

And so His peace, which surpasses understanding, evaded me. And my heart and my mind were left wide open for the desires of the momentary, vain things. I repent. I repent. I repent.

I rejoice. I rejoice. I rejoice.

new levels

Matthew's world has exploded. He speaks in somewhat full sentences. He constantly asks "What's that?" (thanks Dr. Seuss for those wonderfully imaginative creatures) and repeats anything and everything. He can eat somewhat proficiently with a fork, take his sweater off when he gets hot, and his diaper off when he gets bored. The skill he learned last night has rocked his little world. He doesn't have to stay in his crib if he doesn't want to. He can climb out and there is nothing anyone can say or do--apart from putting a lid with a lock on it--to keep him in there. So he's been "napping" for the last two hours, which means I'm doing all I can to keep him in his room hoping he'll get bored enough to fall asleep eventually. And this little person is TIRED. He was up until after midnight last night for the same reason, and then to maintain our schedule I woke him up at 8am.

And part of me wants to be mad and fight with him and force him to obey and turn this into a battle. I am mom and he must obey. I'm tempted to be frustrated, and even mad, because the hours from 1pm-3pm and 8pm-8am are mine. I don't want to share them with this little person. My happiness and my sanity depend on this "me" time. Or so I'm tempted to think.

But there is this other little voice redirecting my thoughts and my behaviour, reminding me that Matthew isn't here to make my life happy or easy and that it isn't all about me. It's not all about him either. When I zoom back and look at the big picture I'm able to let go of my need to a) be a perfect parent and b) to have my kids be perfect little obedient robots. Life is not me saying something and Matthew magically doing it and then fulfilling some selfish desire I have. He is his own person with his own thoughts, feelings and desires. Right now we're clashing. But being mad at him because he's ruining my happiness is not a fair response. So I'm learning to roll with the surprising and chaotic behaviour that comes from having a two year old. And clinging to Galatians 5:25 in my parenting, as well in every other area of my life, "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit."

That means I approach each obstacle, circumstance, situation led by the Spirit that lives within me. There is not an infinite list of do's and don't's/categories or robotic responses. There is each moment, treated differently, dependent on Jesus to give me wisdom to lead this little person through life, and then to give me grace when I completely lose my temper and boggle the whole thing. Life lived submitted to the Spirit, walking by the Spirit, treating each moment as a stand-alone is so much harder, so much messier, sometimes so unfair in our American mindset...but to me it seems more gospel-oriented, more pro-Jesus than living with tidy little boxes of this is how you do x, y and z. The end.

confessions of my evil heart

I went to church today. I felt full of purpose. I heard the different ways God is moving in this church, and how that is going to ripple out into Austin. I heard about what God is doing in Haiti, work that started with ONE family. People in this church care about the widow and the orphan. They care about injustice. They will lift high the name of Christ and because they are where HE is, this city will be changed.

I realized that today.

I am hearing truth. I am being renewed in my mind, stirred in my heart and led to serve others. Where does this happen? If not for this church, Doug and I would still be arguing over where our allegiance should lie--Catholocism or Methodism--oblivious that lives are lived for the glory of Christ, not "religion."

And I'm jealous because we've been at this church for FIVE years and have yet to be discipled. I'm frustrated because I feel like I don't fit in and can't find an area I want to serve. I'm bored...well, because obviously I know everything and want something new and exciting.

How do I say this? Because this church is not perfect, Doug and I have fallen through the cracks and been burned in some ways. But in it's imperfection, the heartbeat of this church is to glorify God and make His name great...And I'm focussed on me. I learned this today--God is going to use the Austin Stone to impact this city. And I can sit around and grump because I feel left out, or I can get over myself and rejoice at the mighty things God is doing and will do.

a is for amy in africa

Dreams really do come true*
by Amy Jorgensen
"the pain you feel in your heart over the desires God has put in you [them being yet unfulfilled] is your gift from Him, because it causes you to wrestle with him for the fulfillment of those desires." --Corey Russell

This quote accuratey describes the past several years of my life. At the age of 15, a dream was placed in my heart and although it's been refined some, it has mostly stayed the same for almost 10 years. I long to live with the poorest people on earth and see their lives changed as they encounter a God who is alive! This dream has not only caused great excitement and adventure, but also pain as my heart has been broken for the poor and dissapointment as I have waited for the day when what I have dreamt of will be my reality. But it has all been worth it because....

I'm going to Africa!!!

I have recently been accepted to live in Uganda with a family who moved there six months ago to start a ministry. Their vision is to build a children's home where orphans can experience the love of their heavenly Daddy. They also want to-- and already are-- having an impact on the community around them by building safe sanitation, providing clothing and shoes, giving immediate medical care, and running a program for children during the day. Since the ministry is just getting started I will be able to be a part of all that they are doing and help build it from the ground up.

During the interview, I was asked if I would be ok if all I did every day for a month was sit in the slums holding children on my lap. And in that moment I knew this was what God has for me because that describes what I've longed for the past 9 years. God has heard every prayer and seen every desire written on my heart and He is so faithful to answer them and give me even more than I've asked for. So dream with God, let Him write His desires on your heart, and you will be amazed at where he takes you!!

If you need extra help around the house, or yard, or a babysitter, Amy is willing to work for $10/hour to raise money for going to Africa.

*aisforamyinafrica.blogspot.com