directions

I finished reading "The Help" a few weeks ago. Since we've officially announced our pursuit of adoption, I've started to get a little nervous. Not of growing our family. Race (and racism) are a bigger deal than I ever realized. I'm a white girl. I have NO clue about the hatred, fear and suspicion that other people have to deal with on a daily basis. I've started doing my research on hair and skin, and apparently for brown babies, sandboxes aren't the best idea. SANBOXES!? And I realize I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. So, yeah, I'm starting to get nervous. Not about adoption. Not about bringing our kids home. I'm nervous that I'm not cut out for this. I'm afraid that my learning curve isn't going to be quick enough. Not only am I being confronted with deep sin issues on a daily basis that calls me to question my ability as a parent to the two kids I already have, but now we're talking about kids who will have faced trauma that I can't begin to comprehend, who have different hair and skin needs, and will grow up in a world that fears them, calls them ugly and notices first their skin color, and then their shining beautiful eyes. And I crumble at the first hint of rejection--how I can teach them to be strong in the midst of a life-long battle of racism?

So while "The Help" was addressing issues from forty years ago...some of what I read resonated with me in a whole different way. It's not over. People are still judged by the color of their skin. It's better. But there are still a whole lot of people out there filled with hate and anger. I'm a coward. If I'd lived forty years ago, I'm not sure I would have had the courage to fight injustice. I go with the status quo. Adoption feels normal for our family. Adopting some brown babies feels normal. I'm not doing something that feels like it's going against the grain. But these brown babies will grow up to be men and women who have lost so much being raised in our family. First, they lost their birth parents. Then they lost their culture and community. Will we be enough? I don't know. I don't know if we're ready. I don't know how to be the mom of four kids.

So where do I find comfort and direction? In Proverbs 16:9, "in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps, " and Proverbs 19:21 "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." We are on a journey. We hope it will lead to Uganda and to adoption. But it may not. Only God knows, and we are resting in His sovereignty. For now this is the direction we have set: we are praying some babies home--hoping that it's our home, but regardless we are praying them home, wherever that may be. And for now, I am training to run a half marathon on October 23rd, the Chosen for Adoption Marathon. And I am praying daily for grace to love the two little ones that already call me mom, and trusting that if that number increases, grace will meet me there.

new title

Another tree branch fell off our Bradford pear. Luckily this time it landed on the sidewalk and not on our car, or house. We'd made the decision to chop it down, but just hadn't acted on it yet. And Jesus promised abundant life.

I haven't had a car in over a month. Sure, I could take Doug to work, and then pick him up, which means an hour there and back, twice. Not to mention he works late three nights a week, which doesn't work with having kids in bed at a certain time. So I bum around the house trying to keep two kids entertained. And Jesus promised abundant life.

Two of my favorite families will be out of Austin by the end of this month. They're not my favorite families. They are my community. My fresh air. They speak truth into my life. They get me. Doug and I are both reserved. We move slowly. We aren't demonstrative. It has taken us years to get into a friendship with these people that is authentic, and just this past year we experienced and felt and lived the fruit of that. And now they are moving away. And Jesus promised abundant life.

We are in the process to adopt from Uganda. And that's a frustrating waiting game. And Jesus promised abundant life.

I read these words yesterday:

O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your dwelling places.
Then I will go the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God.

-Psalm 43:3-4

So I'm trying to wrap my head around my Jesus who promises me abundant life, and the mundane frustrating, sometimes sad circumstances of my life. And I chose to believe in something bigger than me. I chose to believe in my sanctification. I chose to believe that His light and His truth are leading me. And when I press into Him, I feel that He is my exceeding joy. Not my circumstances. Not my possessions. Not even my friends. Joy resonates and fills my life. Not happiness based on something earthly, but rather something deep and true, something heavenly.

So I'm changing the name of our blog. God is our exceeding joy. Let all we say and all we do point to Him.

jekyll and hyde

Forgive the over used cliche. This is how my day has felt. I'm patient, loving, calm. Then something happens and I snap. For breakfast this morning I gave the kids poppyseed muffins. Matthew proceeded to eat half of his and throw the rest on the floor. I calmly explained to him that this was not OK. When he finished with his breakfast, I asked him if he wanted grapes. I washed and cut some up for him to enjoy. He put them on his tongue and then let them fall out of his mouth onto the floor. When I told him this was not OK, he told me, "Megan's (our dog) gonna eat them." I told him she wouldn't and in the process of telling him to get down and pick the grapes up off the floor, Kyler managed to grab the lip of my coffee mug and spill a full cup of hot coffee all over herself. At that point I lost it. I got her cleaned up and safe and then put both kids in Matthew's room while I cleaned up from breakfast.

It's not just today. This is my life. I reach a certain point and at the end, I just want them to listen, not make messes and do what I want. I treat Doug this way too. It's become more apprent with two kids than ever before. I act like he is here to make my life easier, and when he doesn't make it eaiser I get mad at him for not meeting my expectations. The crazy thing is, my expectations are wrong. Matthew is two about to turn three and Kyler is one. I am expecting them to behave like adults, or at least to listen. But the whole point is that I am supposed to teach them how to behave. They don't know. And it will take constant reminding and redirecting before they even begin to resemble human beings. Neither the kids or Doug are here for me. I am here for them. And if I can remember that, it makes serving them a whole lot easier. When I'm less focused on what I want, then I am a better wife and a better mother. When I meet them where they are, they respond. When I yell and cajole and demand, no one grows.

So here's to slaying Mr. Hyde.

feeling a little tried

This week has been one of the rougher ones. It started with a tree falling on our car and ended with some crazy infection around my eye that keeps spreading. Kyler has resistant staph on her skin that means any scrape, scratch or bug bite equals crazy swelling of that body part. My sister living across the world was in a motorcycle accident. Physically she's fine, but it did take it's toll. I haven't had time to slow down and dwell in self-pity. And today it hit me that I am assured in Scripture that God will not test me beyond what I can bear. And my heart broke. I have seen tragedies this past year. We have friends who have been to hell and back, babies have died who never had a chance to live. I am immensely humbled by a God who knows me so intimately that He knows what will cause me to break. He bends and stretches me, He beckons me to follow Him down the path of suffering and to continue to praise His name. My friends lend me strength. Their stories, their trials, seeing what God has asked of them, it humbles me to know that my faith is small compared to theirs. But still good.

I don't claim to have suffered yet. Especially not for the sake of the gospel. But seeing how this past week wore on me, how at the end when my health (and beauty) are being taken, I know how long the road I have to travel is before my faith is perfected. Lead me Lord Jesus. Lead me.

from cooking to gradening and in between

I have this awesome cook book. It's "How to Cook Everything" and it is my muse. My time in the kitchen actually became joyful and successful after I got this book. And then I came across this blog thanks to a friend, and the first three recipes of her's I tried were huge hits at our table. I finally started to feel confident in my cooking abilities (and Doug became a little less hesitant to try new things) and started substituting and adding my own creativity to dishes. It's nothing spectacular, but I am proud of being able to put yummy food in front of this family.

What's funny to me is that I recently learned a quick and easy method to cut an onion, the best way to fry an egg, what to do with kale, chard and beets. I've also started gardening and things are actually growing. A lot of what I planted last spring survived the winter and I feel somewhat competent. But in both these areas I still have a lot to learn. I really want to change up the landscape of our front yard, and add a couple beds to our backyard. I loved the book The Secret Garden and want to create at least one small corner of my backyard that has that feel. And again I'm turning to other sources for tips, inspiration and knowledge. I am 27 years old and have lived under the impression that if things didn't come easily to me then I just didn't have that "ability" so there was no hope. I felt like either I should know it by now, or it was too late. Oops.

I wouldn't call myself artistic or creative. But I'm a great copycat. And I think I'm finally OK with that. I have to learn somehow. So I'm borrowing ideas and taking elements from different bloggers, friend's homes, magazine images and running with it, whether it's landscaping ideas, recipes or interior design. I finally feel the freedom to be a leaner and to stop being jealous that I didn't come up with it first and not feel judged for being a copycat.

taking steps

It feels like it has been a long time. But really this month it will have been a year. A year ago I felt the desire stirring to begin the adoption process. I remember holding Kyler when she was only a few weeks old and longing for my other babies. I started praying that day for the ones who would join our family through adoption or through foster-care. The journey has not been simple. A year has passed, and I feel like I have no concrete evidence to show that we are any closer. Doug and I have been going back and forth--me pushing to move ahead quickly, him checking to make sure that we as a family can handle the added chaos of another little body.

Kyler has started taking steps. Today she took two together a couple times. You can see her delight in herself at her bravery and her progress. She knows she is loved. She knows she is safe. I look at these two of mine and hurt for mine who aren't loved, who aren't safe. Yet I am no closer to bringing them here. And at last, I felt God speak. He didn't hurry Doug up as I would have liked. Rather, He had me take a step back--back to the beginning. Back to my beginning as His beloved daughter. Adoption is something very dear to the heart of Father God. He adopts us as sons. He makes us heirs together with Christ, through Christ. I felt Him leading me back to my adoption. Before I can move forward, I need to know where I came from, so that I can walk out this adoption process in light of the gospel.

My mom was adopted. But not for the sake of the gospel. She's writing a book about it. People do good things for the wrong reasons all the time. And God doesn't care about my actions as much as He cares about my heart. So He is giving me His heart for adoption, and then I will act out of that. But not before.

So while Kyler walks forward, I pause.

40 days

I love this techie world. Amy lives in Uganda and I got to talk to her today. 100 years ago that would not have been possible. Waiting in long lines isn't such a chore, even without an iphone. I just text someone and complain about the people in front of me, the person behind the desk or impart random updates about my life. Traveling with a cell phone kept me from getting lost numerous times, finding my sister in Old Navy and being able to let people know when I'm five minutes out. Twitter and facebook enable me to "stalk" my friends and see what's going on in their lives. Recently I was able to pray and mourn with a friend who lost her fiance via these social mediums. I was able to rejoice with another as she brought home her kids from Haiti.

But then there's this whole other side. The dark side. Via blogs, status updates and online entertainment I lose much of my time. Even as I write this Matthew is sitting on the chair behind me pulling on me, rocking me back and forth and talking to me. I stay logged into twitter and facebook all day so as not to miss any trivial detail that someone might say. As I look at people's blogs and read their updates sometimes I'm jealous. See, I live my life like it's a race. I want to get their first. I want the recognition and the glory. I want people to know me. When I first started blogging I used to see who referenced me on their blog. It was a big deal when people found me! I'm mostly over that now. But there is still this longing to be noticed, a desire to be recognized. So when people get things that I want it sends part of me--the old man Paul references in Romans--into a spiral of jealousy. The beauty is that I am a new creation, so I don't react as strongly as I would apart from Christ. But I'm tired of living in a world of comparison, of striving for title and attention. And so I'm tackling this head on.

For forty days I'm taking a break from facebook, twitter, and blogging*. It's extreme and I might fail. But I know that if I can follow my Jesus into this He will be faithful to redeem these social mediums, and I can use them as He intends and for His glory. I expect to come out of this able to rejoice with those who are rejoicing without selfish ambition or petty jealousy. I have seen firsthand how twitter can help orphans in Haiti and minister to the St. John's neighborhood. Because of facebook I got to see Amos Ivey welcomed to Austin, Texas and I went to a funeral and wept with Jenn. On the flipside, via twitter I experienced jealousy that people got to take a mutual friend out for lunch, a friend I haven't seen in months. I am jealous that people have already done the adoption thing and now I'm just a copycat. See how petty this is? God is rescuing orphans and I'm focused on the fact that I'm going to get less attention. So, for now beautiful degenerate techie world, I will see you on the other side.

*If there is something you need me to see or know about, please email me. I can't cut out all tech stuff because that's the world we live in. And I apologize in advance to my beautiful friends who will be making announcements over the next month via these mediums--I'll just have to celebrate with you in person!